Knowledge

HARRY SHUSTER offers you………………………………………………………….

Gentle Thoughts for 2013

Birds of a feather flock together …
and then shit on your car.
A penny saved is a government oversight.
The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and
your fat have gotten to be really good friends.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement ..
He who hesitates is probably right.
Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are XL.’
If you can smile when things go wrong,

you have someone in mind to blame.
The sole purpose of a child’s middle name is so he can tell when he’s really in
trouble.
Did you ever notice:

When you put the 2 words ‘The’ and ‘IRS’ together it spells ‘Theirs…’
Aging: Eventually you will reach a point

when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
Some people try to turn back their odometers.

Not me, I want people to know ‘why’ I look this way.
I’ve traveled a long way and some of the roads weren’t paved.
When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back

to your youth, think of Algebra.
You know you are getting old

when everything either dries up or leaks.
One of the many things no one tells you about aging

is that it is such a nice change from being young.
Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.
Lord, Keep your arm around my shoulder

and your hand over my mouth . . . .AMEN!

Have a great day!

Harry Shuster says that there are very few……………..

IMPOSSIBILITIES IN THE WORLD

1. You can’t count your hair.
2. You can’t wash your eyes with soap.
3. You can’t breathe when your tongue is out.

 

 

 

Put your tongue back in your mouth, you silly person.


10 Things I know about you.

1) You are reading this.
2) You are human.
3) You can’t say the letter ”P” without separating your lips.
4) You just attempted to do it.
6) You are laughing at yourself.
7) You have a smile on your face and you skipped No. 5.
8) You just checked to see if there is a No. 5.
9) You laugh at this because you are a fun loving person & everyone does it too.
10) You are probably going to send this to see who else falls for it.


Have a great Day. Laugh, and then Laugh and sing It’s a Beautiful Morning even when it’s not.

 

Harry Shuster says read these………….

APHORISMS: A SHORT, POINTED SENTENCE EXPRESSING A WISE OR CLEVER OBSERVATION OR A GENERAL TRUTH  :-

 

ADULT:

A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.

BEAUTY PARLOR:

A place where women curl up and dye.

CHICKENS:

The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.

COMMITTEE:

A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

DUST:

Mud with the juice squeezed out.

EGOTIST:

Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

HANDKERCHIEF:

Cold Storage.

INFLATION:

Cutting money in half without damaging the paper

MOSQUITO:

An insect that makes you like flies better.

RAISIN:

A grape with a sunburn.

SECRET:

Something you tell to one person at a time.

SKELETON:

A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.

TOOTHACHE:

The pain that drives you to extraction.

TOMORROW:                              

One of the greatest labor saving devices of today

.YAWN:

An honest opinion openly expressed.

And MY Personal Favorite!

WRINKLES:

Something other people have,

Similar to my character lines.

Harry Shuster wonders……..


WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED: 
 Men Are Just Happier People –
What do you expect from such simple creatures?
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack…
You can be President.
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
You don’t have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.
People never stare at your chest when you’re talking to them.
New shoes don’t cut, blister, or mangle your feet.  
One mood all the  time.  
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own  jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you,
He or she can still be your friend.  
Your underwear is  $8.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough..
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes..
Everything on your face stays its original color.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, even decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck. 
You can play with toys all your life.
One wallet and one pair of shoes — one color for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can ‘do’ your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.  
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives
On December 24 in 25 minutes.
  ___________________________________
Men Are Just Happier People
  NICKNAMES
If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah. If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Bubba and Wildman.

EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it’s only for $32.50.  None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
 When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY
           A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
            A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn’t need but it’s on sale.

BATHROOMS
A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.
The average number of items in the typical woman’s bathroom is 337.  A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS
           A woman has the last word in any argument.
            Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

FUTURE
            A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
            A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.


MARRIAGE
            A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t.
            A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change, but she does.

DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
            A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL
        Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
            Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING
 Ah, children.  A woman knows all about her children.  She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
 A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.


THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes.  There’s no use in two people remembering the same thing!


SO, send this to the women who have a sense of humor and who can handle it ….  and to the men who will enjoy reading it

Harry Shuster says that to understand Judaism

 you must understand it’s humor.

 

 

Things I didn’t learn in Hebrew School

1.The High Holidays have absolutely nothing to do with marijuana
2.Where there’s smoke, there may be salmon.
3. No meal is complete without leftovers.
4. According to Jewish dietary law, pork and shellfish may be eaten only in Chinese restaurants.
5. A shmata is a dress that your husband’s ex is wearing.
6. You need ten men for a minion, but only four in polyester pants and white shoes for gin rummy.
7. One mitzvah can change the world; two will just make you tired.
8. After the destruction of the Second temple, God created Nordstrom’s.
9. Anything worth saying is worth repeating a thousand times.
10. Never take a front row seat at a Bris.
11. Next year in Jerusalem . The year after that, how about a nice cruise?
12. Never leave a restaurant empty handed.
13. Spring ahead; fall back-winters in Boca.
14. Gentiles leave and never say good-bye; Jews say good-bye and never leave.
15. Always whisper the names of diseases.
16. If it tastes good, it’s probably not kosher.
17. The important Jewish holidays are the ones on which alternate side of the street parking is suspended.
18. Without Jewish mothers, who would need therapy?
19.  If you have to ask the price, you can’t afford it. If you can afford it, make sure to tell everybody what you paid.
20. Laugh now, but one day you’ll be driving a Lexus and eating dinner at 4:00 PM in Florida .

Signs on Synagogue Bulletin Boards
1. Under same management for over 5772 years.
2. Don’t give up. Moses was once a basket case.
3. What part of “Thou shalt not” don’t you understand?
4. Shul committees should be made up of three members, two of  whom should be absent at every meeting.
5. Sign over the urinal in a bathroom at Hebrew University : “The future of the Jewish people is in your hands.”
More Jewish Stuff
1. My mother is a typical Jewish mother. Once she was on jury duty. They sent her home. She insisted SHE was guilty.
2. Any time a person goes into a delicatessen and orders pastrami on white bread, somewhere a Jew dies.
3. It was mealtime during a flight on El Al. “Would you like dinner?” the flight attendant asked Moshe, seated in front. “What are my choices?” Moshe asked. “Yes or no,” she replied.
4. An elderly Jewish man is knocked down by a car and is brought to the local hospital. A pretty nurse tucks him into bed and says, “Mr. Gevarter, are you comfortable?” Gevarter replies, “I make a living….”
5. A rabbi was opening his mail one morning. Taking a single sheet of paper from an envelope he found written on it only one word: “shmuck.” At the next Friday night service, the Rabbi announced, “I have known many people who have written letters and forgot to sign their names, but this week I received a letter from someone who signed his name…and forgot to write a letter.”
6. Three Jewish women get together for lunch. As they are being seated in the restaurant, one takes a deep breath and gives a long, slow “oy.” The second takes a deep breath as well and lets out a long, slow “oy” The third takes a deep breath and says impatiently, “Girls, I thought we agreed that we weren’t going to talk about our children.”
7. And one final favorite: A waiter comes over to a table full of Jewish women and asks, “Is anything alright?

 


 

Harry Shuster wants to be punny

>> Punography
>>
>> When chemists die, they barium.
>>
>> Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
>>
>> I know a guy who’s addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.
>>
>> How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
>>
>> I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.
>>
>> This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore.
>>
>> I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can’t put it down.
>>
>> I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
>>
>> They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O.
>>
>> PMS jokes aren’t funny . . . period.
>>
>> Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.
>>
>> We’re going on a class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there’s no pop quiz.
>>
>> I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
>>
>> Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn’t control her pupils?
>>
>> When you get a bladder infection urine trouble.
>>
>> Broken pencils are pointless.
>>
>> I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.
>>
>> What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
>>
>> England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
>>
>> I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
>>
>> I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.
>>
>> All the toilets in New York’s police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.
>>
>> I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
>>
>> Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.
>>
>> Velcro – what a rip off!
>>
>> A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.
>>
>> Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!
>>

Say Hello

harryshuster

Harry Shuster wants you to know these interesting facts……..

Your history lesson for the day.

Q: Why do men’s clothes have buttons on the right while women’s clothes have buttons on the left?

A: When buttons were invented, they were very expensive and worn primarily by the rich. Since most people are right-handed, it is easier to push buttons on the right through holes on the left. Because wealthy women were dressed by maids, dressmakers put the buttons on the maid’s right! And that’s where women’s buttons have remained since.

Q: Why do ships and aircraft use ‘mayday’ as their call for help?

A: This comes from the French word m’aidez -meaning ‘help me’ — and is pronounced, approximately, ‘mayday.’

Q: Why are zero scores in tennis called ‘love’?

A: In France , where tennis became popular, round zero on the scoreboard looked like an egg and was called ‘l’oeuf,’ which is French for ‘egg.’ When tennis was introduced in the US , Americans (mis)pronounced it ‘love.’

Q. Why do X’s at the end of a letter signify kisses?

A: In the Middle Ages, when many people were unable to read or write, documents were often signed using an X. Kissing the X represented an oath to fulfill obligations specified in the document. The X and the kiss eventually became synonymous.

Q: Why is shifting responsibility to someone else called ‘passing the buck’?

A: In card games, it was once customary to pass an item, called a buck, from player to player to indicate whose turn it was to deal. If a player did not wish to assume the responsibility of dealing,he would ‘pass the buck’ to the next player.

Q: Why do people clink their glasses before drinking a toast?

A: It used to be common for someone to try to kill an enemy by offering him a poisoned drink. To prove to a guest that a drink was safe, it became customary for a guest to pour a small amount of his drink into the glass of the host. Both men would drink it simultaneously. When a guest trusted his host, he would only touch or clink the host’s glass with his own.

Q: Why are people in the public eye said to be ‘in the limelight’?

A:Invented in 1825,limelight was used in lighthouses and theatres by burning a cylinder of lime which produced a brilliant light. In the theatre,a performer ‘in the limelight’ was the centre of attention.

Q: Why is someone who is feeling great ‘on cloud nine’?

A: Types of clouds are numbered according to the altitudes they attain, with nine being the highest cloud If someone is said to be on cloud nine, that person is floating well above worldly cares.

Q: In golf, where did the term ‘Caddie’ come from?

A. When Mary Queen of Scots went to France as a young girl,Louis, King of France, learned that she loved the Scots game ‘golf.’ So he had the first course outside of Scotland built for her enjoyment. To make sure she was properly chaperoned (and guarded) while she played, Louis hired cadets from a military school to accompany her. Mary liked this a lot and when returned to Scotland (not a very good idea in the long run), she took the practice with her. In French, the word cadet is pronounced ‘ca-day’ and the Scots changed it into ‘caddie.

Q: Why are many coin banks shaped like pigs?

A: Long ago, dishes and cookware in Europe were made of a dense orange clay called ‘pygg’. When people saved coins in jars made of this clay, the jars became known as ‘pygg banks.’ When an English potter misunderstood the word, he made a container that resembled a pig. And it caught on.

Q: Did you ever wonder why dimes, quarters and half dollars have notches (milling), while pennies and nickels do not?

A: The US Mint began putting notches on the edges of coins containing gold and silver to discourage holders from shaving off small quantities of the precious metals. Dimes, quarters and half dollars are notched because they used to contain silver. Pennies and nickels aren’t notched because the metals they contain are not valuable enough to shave.

So there! Now you know!

Stuff you didn’t know you didn’t know!

Stuff you didn’t know you didn’t know!

 

—-  

Men can read smaller 

print than women can; women can hear better. 

———— 

——— ——— ———

—-  

 

Coca-Cola was originally green.  

———— 

——— ——— ———

—-  

It is impossible to lick 

your elbow. 

———— 

——— ——— ———

—-  

The State with the 

highest percentage of people who walk to work:  

Alaska  

———— 

——— ——— ———

—-  

The percentage of 

Africa that is wilderness: 28% 

(now get this…)  

———— 

——— ——— ———

—-  

The percentage of 

North America that is wilderness: 38% 

———— 

——— — —— ——— ——— ——— ——— 

—— 

The cost of raising 

a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: 

 

$ 16,400

———— 

——— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— 

——  

The average number 

of people airborne over the U.S.

in any given hour:  

61,000  

———— 

——— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— 

——  

Intelligent people 

have more zinc and copper in their hair..  

———— 

——— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— 

—— 

The first novel ever 

written on a typewriter, Tom Sawyer.  

———— 

— ———— ——— ——— ——— ——— 

——— – 

The San Francisco 

Cable cars are the only mobile

National Monuments.  

———— 

——— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— 

——

Each king in a deck 

of playing cards represents a great king from history: 

 

Spades – King David 

 

Hearts – Charlemagne 

 

Clubs -Alexander, the Great 

 

Diamonds – Julius Caesar  

———— 

——— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— 

—— 

111,111,111 x 

111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987, 654,321  

———— 

——— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— 

——  

If a statue in the park of a person on a horse 

has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle. 

If the horse has one front leg in the air, 

the person died because of wounds received in battle. 

If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes 

———— 

—— — ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— 

—— 

Only two people 

signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4,

John Hancock and Charles Thomson.

Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn’t added until 5 years later. 

———— 

——— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— 

——  

Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what?  

 

A. Their birthplace 

———— 

——— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— 

——  

Q. Most boat owners name their boats.

What is the most popular boat name requested? 

 

A. 

Obsession  

———— 

——— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— 

——  

Q.. If you were to spell out numbers,

how far would you have to go until you

would find the letter ‘A’? 

 

A. One thousand  

———— 

——— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— 

——  

Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes,

windshield wipers and laser printers have in common? 

 

A. All were invented 

by women.  

———— 

——— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— 

—— 

Q. What is the only 

food that doesn’t spoil? 

 

A. Honey  

———— 

——— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— 

——  

Q. Which day are there more collect calls

than any other day of the year?  

 

A. Father’s Day  

———— 

——— ——— ——— ——— ——— 

—  

In Shakespeare’s time,

mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. 

When you pulled on the ropes, the mattress tightened, 

making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the 

phrase…’Goodnight , sleep tight’ 

———— 

——— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— 

—— 

It was the accepted 

practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride’s father would supply

his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink.

Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month,

which we know today as the honeymoon. 

———— 

——— ——— ———

—-  

In English pubs, ale 

is ordered by pints and quarts… So in old England , when 

customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them ‘Mind your pints and quarts, and settle down.’ . . .

 

It’s where we get 

the phrase ‘mind your P’s and Q’s’  

———— 

——— ——— ———

—-  

Many years ago in 

England , pub frequenters had a whistle baked

into the rim, or handle, of their ceramic cups.

When they needed a refill , they used the whistle to get some service. ‘Wet your whistle’ is the phrase

inspired by this practice. 

———— 

——— ——— —— — ——— ——— ——— 

—— 

At least 75% of 

people who read this will try

to lick their elbow!  

———— 

——— ——— ——— ——— ——— ——— 

—— 

 

YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING

IN  2012 when… 

 

1. You accidentally 

enter your PIN on the microwave.

 

2. You haven’t 

played solitaire with real cards in years.  

 

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers

to reach your family of three.  

 

4. You e-mail the person who

works at the desk next to you.  

 

5. Your reason for not staying in touch

with friends and family is that they 

don’t have e-mail addresses. 

 

6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your

cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you

carry in the groceries…  

 

7. Every commercial on television

has a web site at the bot tom of the screen 

 

8. Leaving the house without your cell phone,

which you didn’t even have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and

you turn around to go and get it  

 

10. You get up in the morning and go on line

before getting your coffee  

 

11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : ) 

 

12 You’re reading this and

nodding and laughing.  

 

13. Even worse, you know exactly

to whom you are going to forward this message.  

 

14. You are too busy 

to notice there was no #9 on this list. 

 

15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn’t a #9 on this list  .

 

~~~~~~~~~~~AND FINALLY~~~~~ ~~~~~~~  

 

NOW you’re LAUGHING at yourself!

Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused!” (Unknown Author)