Humerous

Harry Shuster thinks ……..

BRITISH HUMOR IS DIFFERENT

These are classified ads which were actually placed in U.K. newspapers:

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old, Hateful little bastard. Bites!
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FREE PUPPIES
1/2 Cocker Spaniel , 1/2 sneaky neighbor’s dog.
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FREE PUPPIES. Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.
Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.
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COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED. Also 1 gay bull for sale.
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JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer £100.
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WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE .
Worn once by mistake.
Call Stephanie .
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And the WINNER is…

FOR SALE BY OWNER. Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica , 45 volumes.
Excellent condition, £200 or best offer.
No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything.

(Statement of the Century)
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Thought from the Greatest Living Scottish Thinker — Billy Connolly .

“If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking,

How come they can’t have a headache and sex at the same time?”
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Children Are Quick

TEACHER: Why are you late?
STUDENT: Class started before I got here.

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TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
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TEACHER: Glenn , how do you spell ‘crocodile?’
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L’
TEACHER: No, that’s wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
(I Love this child)
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TEACHER: Donald , what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it’s H to O.
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TEACHER: Winnie , name one important thing we have today that we didn’t have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
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TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I’m a lot closer to the ground than you are.
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TEACHER: Millie , give me a sentence starting with ‘ I. ‘
MILLIE: I is.
TEACHER: No, Millie ….. Always say, ‘I am.’
MILLIE: All right… ‘I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.’
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TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father’s cherry tree,
but also admitted it. Now, Louie , do you know why his father didn’t punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand…..
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TEACHER: Now, Simon , tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don’t have to, my Mom is a good cook.
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TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on ‘My Dog’ is exactly the same as your brother’s. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It’s the same dog.

(I want to adopt this kid!!!)
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TEACHER: Harold , what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher .

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Due to current economic conditions, the light at the end
of the tunnel has been turned off.

Harry Shuster recommends the following ……….

retirement locations….

Retire to Phoenix , Arizona where…

1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away because you found shade.

2.. You’ve experienced condensation on your hiney from the hot water in the toilet bowl.

3. You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town.

4. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.

5. You know that “dry heat” is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door.

6. The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!!

OR

You can retire to California where…

1. You make over $250,000 and you still can’t afford to buy a house.

2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.

3. You know how to eat an artichoke.

4. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.

5. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.

6. The 4 seasons are: Fire, Flood, Mud, and Drought.

OR

You can retire to New York City

where…

1. You say “the city” and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan ..

2. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can’t find Wisconsin on a map.

3. You think Central Park is “nature.”

4. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.

5. You’ve worn out a car horn. (Ed. Note if you have a car).

6. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.

OR

You can retire to Minnesota where…

1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco ..

2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas.

3. You have more than one recipe for casserole.

4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.

5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and

construction.

OR

You can retire to the Deep South where….

1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.

2. “Y’all” is singular and “all y’all” is plural.

3. “He needed killin” is a valid defense.

4. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Ellen, Betty Jean, Mary Beth, etc etc.

5. Everything is either “in yonder,” “over yonder” or “out yonder.”

It’s important to know the difference, too.

OR

You can retire to Colorado where….

1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.

2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and so he stops at the day care center.

3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.

4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.

OR

You can retire to the Midwest where…

1. You’ve never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.

2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.

3. You have had to switch from “heat” to “A/C” on the same day.

4. You end sentences with a preposition: “Where’s my coat at?”

5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, “It was different!”

OR

FINALLY You can retire to Florida where…

1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.

2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind — even houses and cars.

3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist..

4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.

5. Cars in front of you often appear to be driven by headless people.

Harry Shuster Says ……. Love this Doctor

Q: Doctor, I’ve heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Heart only good for so many beats, and that it… Don’t waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually. Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take nap.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: Oh no. Wine made from fruit. Brandy distilled wine, that mean they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way. Beer also made of grain. Bottom up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have body and you have fat, your ratio one to one. If you have two body, your ratio two to one.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can’t think of single one, sorry. My philosophy: No pain…good!

Q: Aren’t fried foods bad for you?

A: YOU NOT LISTENING! Food fried in vegetable oil. How getting more vegetable be bad?

Q
 : Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Oh no! When you exercise muscle, it get bigger. You should only be doing sit-up if you want bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: You crazy?!? HEL-LO-O!! Cocoa bean! Another vegetable! It best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming good for figure, explain whale to me.

Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! ‘Round’ is shape!

Well… I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember:
Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways – Chardonnay in one hand – chocolate in the other – body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming “WOO-HOO, what a ride!!”

AND…..

For those of you who watch what you eat, here’s the final word on nutrition and health. It’s a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans…

5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

Harry Shuster wants you to consider………..

DIFFERENT WAYS OF LOOKING AT THINGS

Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and family values.

Bill said, ‘I didn’t sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?’

Larry replied, ‘I’m not sure, what was her maiden name?’

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A little boy went up to his father and asked: ‘Dad, where did my intelligence come from?’

The father replied. ‘Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine.’

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‘Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,’ the divorce Court Judge said,

‘And I’ve decided to give your wife $775 a week,’

‘That’s very fair of you, your honor,’ the husband said. ‘And every now and

then I promise to try to send her a few bucks myself.’

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A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside, and said,

somehow I don’t like the looks of your wife at all.’

‘Me neither doc,’ said the husband. ‘But she’s a great cook and really good with the kids though.’

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An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has

been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says, ‘Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words

that were used to put the curse on you.’

The old man says without hesitation, ‘I now pronounce you man and wife.’

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Two Reasons Why It’s So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder:

1. The DNA all matches.

2. There are no dental records.

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A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, ‘Can you tell me how long it’ll

take to fly from San Francisco to New York City ?’

The agent replies, ‘Just a minute.’

‘Thank you,’ the blonde says, and hangs up.

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Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.

‘How was he killed?’ asked one detective.

‘With a golf gun,’ the other detective replied.

‘A golf gun! What is a golf gun?’

‘I don’t know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.’

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Moe: ‘My wife got me to believe in religion.’

Joe: ‘Really?’

Moe: ‘Yeah. Until I married her I didn’t believe in Hell.’

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A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and

asks him how he is feeling.

‘I’m O. K. But I didn’t like the four letter-words the doctor used in surgery,’ he answered.

‘What did he say,’ asked the nurse.

‘Oops!’

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While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display

of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and thirty pounds since

I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband’s advice.

‘What do you think?’ I asked. ‘Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?’

‘Better get a bikini,’ he replied. ‘You’d never get it all in one.’

He’s still in intensive care.

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The graveside service just barely finished, when there was a massive clap

of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by

even more thunder rumbling in the distance…

The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, ‘Well, she’s got there.’