Harry Shuster thinks ……..

BRITISH HUMOR IS DIFFERENT

These are classified ads which were actually placed in U.K. newspapers:

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old, Hateful little bastard. Bites!
___________________________________________

FREE PUPPIES
1/2 Cocker Spaniel , 1/2 sneaky neighbor’s dog.
________________________________________________

FREE PUPPIES. Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.
Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.
_______________________________________________________

COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED. Also 1 gay bull for sale.
________________________________________________________

JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer £100.
_____________________________________________________________

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE .
Worn once by mistake.
Call Stephanie .
___________________________________________________________

And the WINNER is…

FOR SALE BY OWNER. Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica , 45 volumes.
Excellent condition, £200 or best offer.
No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything.

(Statement of the Century)
___________________________________________________________

Thought from the Greatest Living Scottish Thinker — Billy Connolly .

“If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking,

How come they can’t have a headache and sex at the same time?”
____________________________________________________________

Children Are Quick

TEACHER: Why are you late?
STUDENT: Class started before I got here.

____________________________________

TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
__________________________________________

TEACHER: Glenn , how do you spell ‘crocodile?’
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L’
TEACHER: No, that’s wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
(I Love this child)
____________________________________________

TEACHER: Donald , what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it’s H to O.
__________________________________

TEACHER: Winnie , name one important thing we have today that we didn’t have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
__________________________________________

TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I’m a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_______________________________________

TEACHER: Millie , give me a sentence starting with ‘ I. ‘
MILLIE: I is.
TEACHER: No, Millie ….. Always say, ‘I am.’
MILLIE: All right… ‘I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.’
________________________________

TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father’s cherry tree,
but also admitted it. Now, Louie , do you know why his father didn’t punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand…..
______________________________________

TEACHER: Now, Simon , tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don’t have to, my Mom is a good cook.
______________________________

TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on ‘My Dog’ is exactly the same as your brother’s. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It’s the same dog.

(I want to adopt this kid!!!)
___________________________________

TEACHER: Harold , what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher .

__________________________________

Due to current economic conditions, the light at the end
of the tunnel has been turned off.

Harry Shuster recommends the following ……….

retirement locations….

Retire to Phoenix , Arizona where…

1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away because you found shade.

2.. You’ve experienced condensation on your hiney from the hot water in the toilet bowl.

3. You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town.

4. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.

5. You know that “dry heat” is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door.

6. The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!!

OR

You can retire to California where…

1. You make over $250,000 and you still can’t afford to buy a house.

2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.

3. You know how to eat an artichoke.

4. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.

5. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.

6. The 4 seasons are: Fire, Flood, Mud, and Drought.

OR

You can retire to New York City

where…

1. You say “the city” and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan ..

2. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can’t find Wisconsin on a map.

3. You think Central Park is “nature.”

4. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.

5. You’ve worn out a car horn. (Ed. Note if you have a car).

6. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.

OR

You can retire to Minnesota where…

1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco ..

2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas.

3. You have more than one recipe for casserole.

4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.

5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and

construction.

OR

You can retire to the Deep South where….

1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.

2. “Y’all” is singular and “all y’all” is plural.

3. “He needed killin” is a valid defense.

4. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Ellen, Betty Jean, Mary Beth, etc etc.

5. Everything is either “in yonder,” “over yonder” or “out yonder.”

It’s important to know the difference, too.

OR

You can retire to Colorado where….

1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.

2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and so he stops at the day care center.

3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.

4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.

OR

You can retire to the Midwest where…

1. You’ve never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.

2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.

3. You have had to switch from “heat” to “A/C” on the same day.

4. You end sentences with a preposition: “Where’s my coat at?”

5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, “It was different!”

OR

FINALLY You can retire to Florida where…

1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.

2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind — even houses and cars.

3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist..

4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.

5. Cars in front of you often appear to be driven by headless people.

HARRY SHUSTER offers you………………………………………………………….

Gentle Thoughts for 2013

Birds of a feather flock together …
and then shit on your car.
A penny saved is a government oversight.
The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and
your fat have gotten to be really good friends.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement ..
He who hesitates is probably right.
Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are XL.’
If you can smile when things go wrong,

you have someone in mind to blame.
The sole purpose of a child’s middle name is so he can tell when he’s really in
trouble.
Did you ever notice:

When you put the 2 words ‘The’ and ‘IRS’ together it spells ‘Theirs…’
Aging: Eventually you will reach a point

when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
Some people try to turn back their odometers.

Not me, I want people to know ‘why’ I look this way.
I’ve traveled a long way and some of the roads weren’t paved.
When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back

to your youth, think of Algebra.
You know you are getting old

when everything either dries up or leaks.
One of the many things no one tells you about aging

is that it is such a nice change from being young.
Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.
Lord, Keep your arm around my shoulder

and your hand over my mouth . . . .AMEN!

Have a great day!

Harry Shuster says that there are very few……………..

IMPOSSIBILITIES IN THE WORLD

1. You can’t count your hair.
2. You can’t wash your eyes with soap.
3. You can’t breathe when your tongue is out.

 

 

 

Put your tongue back in your mouth, you silly person.


10 Things I know about you.

1) You are reading this.
2) You are human.
3) You can’t say the letter ”P” without separating your lips.
4) You just attempted to do it.
6) You are laughing at yourself.
7) You have a smile on your face and you skipped No. 5.
8) You just checked to see if there is a No. 5.
9) You laugh at this because you are a fun loving person & everyone does it too.
10) You are probably going to send this to see who else falls for it.


Have a great Day. Laugh, and then Laugh and sing It’s a Beautiful Morning even when it’s not.

 

Harry Shuster says read these………….

APHORISMS: A SHORT, POINTED SENTENCE EXPRESSING A WISE OR CLEVER OBSERVATION OR A GENERAL TRUTH  :-

 

ADULT:

A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.

BEAUTY PARLOR:

A place where women curl up and dye.

CHICKENS:

The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.

COMMITTEE:

A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

DUST:

Mud with the juice squeezed out.

EGOTIST:

Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

HANDKERCHIEF:

Cold Storage.

INFLATION:

Cutting money in half without damaging the paper

MOSQUITO:

An insect that makes you like flies better.

RAISIN:

A grape with a sunburn.

SECRET:

Something you tell to one person at a time.

SKELETON:

A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.

TOOTHACHE:

The pain that drives you to extraction.

TOMORROW:                              

One of the greatest labor saving devices of today

.YAWN:

An honest opinion openly expressed.

And MY Personal Favorite!

WRINKLES:

Something other people have,

Similar to my character lines.

Harry Shuster wonders……..


WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED: 
 Men Are Just Happier People –
What do you expect from such simple creatures?
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack…
You can be President.
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
You don’t have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.
People never stare at your chest when you’re talking to them.
New shoes don’t cut, blister, or mangle your feet.  
One mood all the  time.  
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own  jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you,
He or she can still be your friend.  
Your underwear is  $8.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough..
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes..
Everything on your face stays its original color.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, even decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck. 
You can play with toys all your life.
One wallet and one pair of shoes — one color for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can ‘do’ your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.  
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives
On December 24 in 25 minutes.
  ___________________________________
Men Are Just Happier People
  NICKNAMES
If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah. If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Bubba and Wildman.

EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it’s only for $32.50.  None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
 When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY
           A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
            A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn’t need but it’s on sale.

BATHROOMS
A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.
The average number of items in the typical woman’s bathroom is 337.  A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS
           A woman has the last word in any argument.
            Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

FUTURE
            A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
            A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.


MARRIAGE
            A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t.
            A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change, but she does.

DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
            A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL
        Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
            Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING
 Ah, children.  A woman knows all about her children.  She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
 A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.


THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes.  There’s no use in two people remembering the same thing!


SO, send this to the women who have a sense of humor and who can handle it ….  and to the men who will enjoy reading it

Harry Shuster says that to understand Judaism

 you must understand it’s humor.

 

 

Things I didn’t learn in Hebrew School

1.The High Holidays have absolutely nothing to do with marijuana
2.Where there’s smoke, there may be salmon.
3. No meal is complete without leftovers.
4. According to Jewish dietary law, pork and shellfish may be eaten only in Chinese restaurants.
5. A shmata is a dress that your husband’s ex is wearing.
6. You need ten men for a minion, but only four in polyester pants and white shoes for gin rummy.
7. One mitzvah can change the world; two will just make you tired.
8. After the destruction of the Second temple, God created Nordstrom’s.
9. Anything worth saying is worth repeating a thousand times.
10. Never take a front row seat at a Bris.
11. Next year in Jerusalem . The year after that, how about a nice cruise?
12. Never leave a restaurant empty handed.
13. Spring ahead; fall back-winters in Boca.
14. Gentiles leave and never say good-bye; Jews say good-bye and never leave.
15. Always whisper the names of diseases.
16. If it tastes good, it’s probably not kosher.
17. The important Jewish holidays are the ones on which alternate side of the street parking is suspended.
18. Without Jewish mothers, who would need therapy?
19.  If you have to ask the price, you can’t afford it. If you can afford it, make sure to tell everybody what you paid.
20. Laugh now, but one day you’ll be driving a Lexus and eating dinner at 4:00 PM in Florida .

Signs on Synagogue Bulletin Boards
1. Under same management for over 5772 years.
2. Don’t give up. Moses was once a basket case.
3. What part of “Thou shalt not” don’t you understand?
4. Shul committees should be made up of three members, two of  whom should be absent at every meeting.
5. Sign over the urinal in a bathroom at Hebrew University : “The future of the Jewish people is in your hands.”
More Jewish Stuff
1. My mother is a typical Jewish mother. Once she was on jury duty. They sent her home. She insisted SHE was guilty.
2. Any time a person goes into a delicatessen and orders pastrami on white bread, somewhere a Jew dies.
3. It was mealtime during a flight on El Al. “Would you like dinner?” the flight attendant asked Moshe, seated in front. “What are my choices?” Moshe asked. “Yes or no,” she replied.
4. An elderly Jewish man is knocked down by a car and is brought to the local hospital. A pretty nurse tucks him into bed and says, “Mr. Gevarter, are you comfortable?” Gevarter replies, “I make a living….”
5. A rabbi was opening his mail one morning. Taking a single sheet of paper from an envelope he found written on it only one word: “shmuck.” At the next Friday night service, the Rabbi announced, “I have known many people who have written letters and forgot to sign their names, but this week I received a letter from someone who signed his name…and forgot to write a letter.”
6. Three Jewish women get together for lunch. As they are being seated in the restaurant, one takes a deep breath and gives a long, slow “oy.” The second takes a deep breath as well and lets out a long, slow “oy” The third takes a deep breath and says impatiently, “Girls, I thought we agreed that we weren’t going to talk about our children.”
7. And one final favorite: A waiter comes over to a table full of Jewish women and asks, “Is anything alright?

 


 

Harry Shuster wants to be punny

>> Punography
>>
>> When chemists die, they barium.
>>
>> Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
>>
>> I know a guy who’s addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.
>>
>> How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
>>
>> I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.
>>
>> This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore.
>>
>> I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can’t put it down.
>>
>> I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
>>
>> They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O.
>>
>> PMS jokes aren’t funny . . . period.
>>
>> Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.
>>
>> We’re going on a class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there’s no pop quiz.
>>
>> I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
>>
>> Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn’t control her pupils?
>>
>> When you get a bladder infection urine trouble.
>>
>> Broken pencils are pointless.
>>
>> I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.
>>
>> What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
>>
>> England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
>>
>> I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
>>
>> I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.
>>
>> All the toilets in New York’s police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.
>>
>> I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
>>
>> Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.
>>
>> Velcro – what a rip off!
>>
>> A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.
>>
>> Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!
>>

Say Hello

harryshuster

Harry Shuster Says ……. Love this Doctor

Q: Doctor, I’ve heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Heart only good for so many beats, and that it… Don’t waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually. Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take nap.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: Oh no. Wine made from fruit. Brandy distilled wine, that mean they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way. Beer also made of grain. Bottom up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have body and you have fat, your ratio one to one. If you have two body, your ratio two to one.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can’t think of single one, sorry. My philosophy: No pain…good!

Q: Aren’t fried foods bad for you?

A: YOU NOT LISTENING! Food fried in vegetable oil. How getting more vegetable be bad?

Q
 : Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Oh no! When you exercise muscle, it get bigger. You should only be doing sit-up if you want bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: You crazy?!? HEL-LO-O!! Cocoa bean! Another vegetable! It best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming good for figure, explain whale to me.

Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! ‘Round’ is shape!

Well… I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember:
Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways – Chardonnay in one hand – chocolate in the other – body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming “WOO-HOO, what a ride!!”

AND…..

For those of you who watch what you eat, here’s the final word on nutrition and health. It’s a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans…

5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.